Friday, October 2, 2009

Expat Culture in Taiwan: John and breaking yellow fever II

John decided there was only was only one thing for it. He invited the American girl from his school for dinner and was going on his first date with a white girl in 4 years.
“So why do you want to date foreign girls, again? Isn’t it like choosing the old mini when there is a Porshe on display,” asked Eric even though he only dated Taiwanese girls who acted, looked and talked like western girls.
“You look nervous, man?” I said.
“Yeah, I had been wondering what that feeling was,” said John. “For the first time in many years I am actually worried about whether I will be interesting or not…Can’t use my status as a foreigner to get by. Okay, fire away with the fuckups I could make now...”
Me: “Don’t ask her where she learnt her English…or praise it….I guess is pretty basic.”
Josh: “Don’t give her a lecture about how England is better than America.”
Pierre: “Don’t ask her if she wants to watch a video - or use any other false pretence to get her back to yours. Ask directly.”
Me: “No need to talk slowly or dumb down what you say.”
Eric: “Expect her to understand your wisecracks, but not necessarily laugh; as opposed to laugh, but….”
Pierre: “Oh - When asking her to come back to your place, actually wait for an answer and listen to her when she analyses the consequences, lays out ground rules and expectations. Just getting the check and starting to leave won’t save her face.”
“What are use supposed to do – When she gives me these ground rules?” asked a worried John.
Pierre: “Nothing! It is a good sign, she is just venting, before the eventual capitulation.”
Eric: “No need to ask her if she has studied abroad? If not, when is she planning to go?”
Josh: “Positive - she will pay half the bill.”
Pierre: “No, negative. When I go on a date they pay all the bill.”
Me: “That is because you pretend you have no money.”
Eric: “He doesn’t pretend. He has no money.”
Josh: “No need to ask her why she likes foreigners…No brainer, I suppose.”
Me: “If you get her back to yours, no need to show her photos of your family - She also has ugly white family, and doesn’t care.”
Pierre: “If she seems coy or says no in the bedroom, she means it.”
Me: “Ask about previous relationships, she will want to talk about them, and you are expected to listen and be concerned.”
Pierre: “Yep, important one - you are going to get all her baggage spilled out.”
Me: “Expect her to say things like: ‘I don’t know if I am ready for a relationship yet...or…Let’s take things slowly - I’ve just managed to get comfortable with my self again, and I don’t know if I can make room for someone else.’”
John: “As opposed to pretending everything is ok, then finding yourself having to remove all sharp instruments from your apartment.”
Eric: “Yeah, expect to say something about yourself, beyond name, age and occupation, if you want her to trust you -- You know with Taiwanese girls all you have to do is say you know their mother and they will get in the car.”
Josh: “Expect her to question your status as the superior sex, and, dare I say it react if she hears something she doesn’t like.”
Eric: “Taiwanese girls do that.”
Me: “The Taiwanese you date do, yes.”
Pierre: “Expect her to talk about what type of person she thinks you are. Maybe pick you apart a little.”
John: “As opposed to heap praise on you, then slowly reel you in and crush you quietly over time.”
Me: “Expect her to demand things sexually.”
John: “Hmm, that is a toughie - I haven’t been down on a bird for years.”
“Chinese girls expect you to go down on them too,” echoed Eric and Josh.
“No, they don’t. It is because you spend all day asking if she wants it, telling her it is what a liberated woman wants, and you are a foreigner so there is no need to be embarrassed to ask…In the end she just says yes to shut you up.”
“Maybe,” said Eric. “How do you know that?”
Me: “Expect her to look for an imperceptible, insignificant difference that allows her to say you are not suited and walk away. As opposed to pretending to herself she is easily pleased and then sitting around looking miserable until you dump her.”
John: “Good point.”
Josh: “Taiwanese girls aren’t like that man!”
John: “We’ll talk to you later Josh.”
Pierre: “Finally, expect her to get up in the morning and either regret that you went too far or tell you she just wants to be friends. Basically, deny she has any feeling for you, say it was just a one night stand. To, regardless of her true feelings, be totally noncommittal…Show she is as hard as any guy.”
John: “Fuck, how I am supposed to remember all that. Just makes me more nervous.”
“Don’t worry, this is a worse case scenario analysis,” suggested Pierre. “Think of it as similar to dating an ABC girl. You must have been out with a few.”
“No,” replied John. “You Dan? Eric?”
We both replied, ‘No.’
ABC girls knew we weren’t super-cool, why bother to play on a level-field.
“Anyway, guys,” said John. “I let you know how I get on tomorrow.”

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