Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Taiwan Culture Shock: As long as you been introduced…

This little story actually covers a couple of things.
Firstly, you know everything is ok in Taiwan if you have been introduced – Remember when you first started teaching and it was hard, then one family would like you and they would introduce you to all their relatives. You were still crap but it didn’t matter anymore because you had been introduced. Or, families will leave their kids with a serial killer as long as he is a family friend…
Secondly, is the title thing. Everyone is a ‘lao shih’ or ‘Ge ge’ or ‘step-mother’ or  ‘professor’ or ‘Mr. Manager’. And as long as you have the title you are fit to carry out the job qualified or not.
Anyway, John told me an interesting story based on the above. He was sat at home with his wife, Hsu-Chi, getting drunk. She had finished a bottle or so of wine quickly and he could tell was building for a confession of sorts.
“Can I reveal a secret? - What my fantasy is?” she said.
“Of course,” he replied.
“Really. You won’t be upset?” She continued.
She looked nervous; really nervous, hesitant like she was going to be a marriage shaking confession. This in turn started to worry him because, after all the stories of the French boys and their tag team action, he guessed she was going to ask for Pierre to make a visit.
“Please,” he replied bracing himself. 
“I want a three-some - another woman.”
He breathed a sigh of relief.
“If that is what you want, then, of course, no problem,” he replied trying to sound ambivalent. “But you have to be sure. My marriage is the most important thing to me, and I don’t want you going weird on me because you’ve seen my dick in another bird.”
The truth was he was genuinely ambivalent because he was scared – He had been faithful to his wife for the three years they had been together, which he likened to the pain a recovering alcoholic must go through. And, like a recovering alcoholic it was best not to touch one more drop ever for fear of falling off the wagon permanently.
“No problem,” she said. “I have already thought about it. You know me, I never regret anything.”
That was true so he allowed himself to get excited. He knew it was going to happen then. “So you want to hire a prozzy? Or, i’ll call up Pierre. He usually has something appropriate for all occasions.”
“What?” she shouted. “Hooker? You think i am a dirty girl.”
“Uh –"
“No! No!” she said. “Besides, I don’t want to do it with someone I don’t know. That will feel strange. No feeling!”
“I kind of thought that was the idea,” he replied. “Anonymous. Discreet. No emotional ties. Unless of course you are thinking of moving her in and making it a permanent arrangement.”
“Stupid. Never. That is what my father do to my mother. If you do that i cut off your –.”
“Ok…Ok. Just so we can move on. It is going to be once. It is going to happen in an innocent, healthy and mutually uplifting way. Hello Kitty would be proud of you.
“So how is it going to happen?”
“I have invited Chloe for dinner tomorrow night. She is a naughty one. We get her drunk…Uh, she likes you don’t worry. She won’t mind.”
“Wonderful. Perfect. Done like this, i think we could make a show to rival Little House on the Praire.”
“What little house?” she said. “When i am talking you should listen and take me seriously. What is wrong with my fantasy? You don’t want to do it?”
“Uh? Forget the house…Yes, i am stupid, sorry…It is a wonderful fantasy…Finally, if you don’t do it now i am going to hire the prozzy – Two in fact. Are we finished?”
“Sure,” she replied. “What do you want me to wear?” She got up and went to the bedroom.
“Preferably nothing…Yes, I know what you mean…I will be there in 10 minutes so prepare some choices.”
“Ok. Great,” she replied.

One painfully long day later. A lot of alcohol had been drunk and everything was going to plan, but for one little sticking point.
“Lao Gong (husband),” said Hsu Chi’s friend Chloe as rubbed the top of John’s left thigh looking up at him. “You remember what I am called? I am wife number two.”
Hsu chi was rubbing the top of the left leg, winking at him, urging him to give an answer. “Husband, you know she is wife number two. You know what to call her,” she said starting to get a little impatient.
He knew he was slowing things up. He knew he should say it but it when things got seriously it was hard to stop being a westerner: personal terms and labels meant something.
“Er po! (Wife number two),” he finally shouted. At that point, as he disappeared into the mouth of wife two, the sense of it all, why she had been calling herself this for so long, became clear. What is in a name? – Brazen harlot who fucks her friend’s husband? Nah, wife number two is a much better title to have on the name card. No need for guilt now she was merely performing her certain matrimonial duties.


taiwan girls said...

Taiwan have a great culture. And have a nice people. The beautiful beach and many more. Actually in Taiwan you get very easy to find a good friendship. Just belive it.

Dan Chapman said...

I do believe it. I love Taiwan. Not sure what your comment has to do with the post????

Chububobcat said...

Well I just found your blog and have been reading backwards from the most current.
And after reaching this one I gotta say your having a much much much times infinity better life with much more rich experiences than I am. HAHA.
This particular entry made me laugh most of the way through both in amusement and peripheral embarrassment and excitement by the thought of "What if my girlfriend had the same conversation with me."

Er Po~ sigh~ if only I could find Lao po I would be happy.